Today, while binge-watching Bones with Kurt and Kelle, I applied for some writing jobs I found on Craigslist. The first was easy. All I had to do was send a writing sample and my name to an email address and wait to see if they liked it. The second one, however, required a bit more work. I sent a cover letter and resume, both tailored to the company and job description, and two related writing samples from my blog. But then I had to type in previous work experience. This is always the most stressful part, because I always over-think such a tedious process. “Should I include my retail experience? That’s the most recent, but it’s not relevant to the position. Do I include all of my jobs? I don’t have reliable contact info for some of them, and others only lasted for a week or two just because they were temporary, not because they fired me. How many jobs do I include?”
Then I start doubting that all the tedium is even worth it, that my writing isn’t up to the standard that an established company would want anyway. They all want 2+ years of experience writing the type of content that the position requires, and I don’t have that, so why try? But I know that with that attitude, I’ll never get to start out anywhere. Regardless, this moment of stress resulted in my attacking Kurt and Kelle just for trying to help. In those moments, no one can help; I just need to be alone. I was frustrated with myself and with the application process, and I took it out on them, which was wrong.
More to escape myself really, I went for a run to clear my head. On the way back, I found Kelle starting on a walk. I apologized and hugged her. She accepted. She’s very gracious like that. Kurt, too, was wonderful in accepting my apology. I told him I needed a place that would be just mine, a place to write and apply for writing jobs where I could stress out about my own insecurities and frustrations without bothering anyone else. He understood and helped me clean up the study so that we could move the vanity into the guest bedroom. I also moved in all of my books about writing, my cameras, my candles, some writing utensils and journals, my rolling desk chair, and my laptop.
The study is still a shared space, but my space in there will be for arts and crafts and sewing. In what I will henceforth call “my office,” I will be able to write without being disturbed, and it is such a peaceful feeling. The window provides a view of our front yard, the house across the street, and an abundance of evergreen trees. The freshly-painted walls (well, in the last few months) are empty, save for a wood-framed mirror and a cute owl graphic that says “Owl you need is love.” There is no clutter. Everything in here is mine. I have lit a Redwood Woodwick candle, which crackles like a fire, pulled up the shades, letting in the sun (there is sun!), and turned on a “Relaxation” channel on Pandora. I still want to make or buy curtains, just to add some color. Kelle’s Papasan chair sits behind me, taking up half the room, but it can easily be moved to the living room to make way for the blow-up mattress we’ll use for overnight guests, should we have any. And I could curl up in it to read or write or just listen to music all by myself. That will be nice.
I’ve been in here, door closed, but forty minutes and already, I am beginning to understand why Kurt needs alone time sometimes. He shuts himself in the study to sit at his computer if he’s had too much human interaction for the day, or if I’m being ridiculously emotional and irrational (it happens). He’s an introvert. I’m an extrovert. I never got it before, but this is so incredibly relaxing. I have no distractions, and am therefore more motivated to write actual original thoughts, instead of scrolling down Tumblr for hours, dwelling on my inadequacy as a writer. I wish I had done this when we first moved in. That would have made a lot of sense. I could have written so much. But alas, I do not think of these things. Now that I have my very own office, I feel like a change in my writing habits is actually going start. That would be awesome. Let’s see how it goes!