1. hesitant in acting or speaking through lack of  self-confidence
2. (archaic) distrustful 
3. reserved, unassertive 
— dif·fi·dent·ly adverb
Middle English, from Latin diffident-, diffidens, present participle of diffidere to distrust, from dis- + fidere to trust.
First Known Use: 15th century


While I will always love being on a stage and live for the applause, I am always diffident about performing new works for the first time. It’s a predicament. There was a time when I could memorize an entire musical in two weeks. But that was 7th grade. Since then, I’ve hardly acted or sang on stage, at least not as a performer, and it’s really taken a toll on my confidence. I miss it, but whenever an opportunity arises, I doubt myself because it’s been so long. I mean, it’s been over ten years since I’ve been in a really good choir, so I have virtually no classical training. Good thing I sing jazz and swing tunes. 

I think it will get easier as I keep doing it, just like blogging. It’s been difficult to get back into it (both writing and singing), but I just needed a little push. Before Kurt and I moved to the rainy side of the mountains, a bandleader named Dennis Clauss expressed interest in my performing with him sometime, after hearing me sing while ringing my Salvation Army bell last December. Only just recently have I gotten around to finding a time that worked for me and Facebook messaging Dennis to say, “Hey, let’s do open-mic at Luther’s Table, like you suggested.” So now that’s what we’re doing. Tomorrow. Last Thursday, before we went to dinner at Kurt’s relatives’ house, Dennis and his son came over and we went over a few songs. “Ain’t Misbehavin” and “Don’t Get Around Much Anymore.” He played the piano and I sang. I have until tomorrow to have all of the words memorized, which really isn’t that hard. They don’t have many words. But I am so nervous. What if I miss my cues and come in late? What if I can’t hit the higher notes because I haven’t been singing everyday or doing voice exercises? What if nobody likes our performance? I’m just going to have to go into it with a good face on and make it happen. It can only get easier, the more I do it.



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